we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Welp...herpes.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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