I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
