How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
