If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
