so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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