I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
