How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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