my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
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as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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