I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
