So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
