you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
