also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize