I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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