It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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