does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
