The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Did you just see the Batmobile???
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
