You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
