glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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