So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
