I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
