i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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