So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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