Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself