i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
