I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize