and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
