I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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