why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
