Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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