Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
