Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just gift wrapped bread.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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