I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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