My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
