I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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