Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
