Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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