Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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