YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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