I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
