Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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