im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
