i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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