I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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