so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
