Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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