My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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