dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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