she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
