I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
