My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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