Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
