You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
