We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
