Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
