well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
