i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
